GERALDO MADE ME KILL

Geraldo made me kill (3x)
He made me kill myself!

I killed myself, and after I killed myself
I made a sandwich

 

FREE INNOCULATIONS TODAY

You came to the right place, fella
We got the shot for Rubella, hey hey

Hear what I say
Today you don't have to pay
They're giving free innoculations today

See that girl dressed all in black?
She's a hypochondriac, hey hey

You have rabies, well please don't holler
Today's special, 20 shots for a dollar! hey hey

See that girl dressed all in green?
She's the vaccination queen, hey hey

Hey sir, you'll feel no pain
Hey sir, we've got a tank of novocaine

We're specific, we ain't vague
we even have a shot for the bubonic plague, hey hey

 

ABACUS

Abacus, I'm losing touch
I can't even see, what's reality?
I lost my soul, I lost control
Have I lost my brain, am I inasne?
Abacus, if you need me so much
I'm not your slave, I spit on your grave

Abacus (3x), oh!

 

SHOOT ME NOW

I'm ready...

We're all out of salt, and it's all your fault
cuz you use too much, but that's your crutch
everyone has a vice, everyone pays a price
for doing something they shouldn't do

I think I need a painkiller
or maybe I just need to be killed
Oh, oh shoot me now and send me the bill

Lady beware, cuz I just don't care
I'm gonna pull out all my hair
I can't give up, I can't give in
I can't let go, I can't let you win

I finally found the hammer
and now I lost the nail
Oh, oh shoot me now the check's in the mail

 

SNOOPY PLAYMATE THEME SONG

The Snoopy Playmate is lots of fun!
It's a groovy toy and I got one!
Now I'll play a song for you...
If you're lucky I might play two!
Yeah!

 

LISTENING TO YOUR HEART

Listening to your heart will make you sick to your stomach
Listening to your heart will make you wish you were dead
Listening to your heart will make you sick to your stomach
Listnening to your heart will mess you up in the head

 

I DRANK BARIUM

Ow!

I had to get an X-ray, an upper GI
But that's not Government Issue who sings "Jaded Eyes"
So I went to this place on Fort Couch Road
Where I sat on a sofa, after I rode
This guy came out, he said, "I'll lead, you follow"
He had a jug of pink stuff it looked like I'd swallow
Then came this doctor, his name wasn't Herman
But he had a German accent, so I figured he was German
I was like Frankensein's monster, a fish in an aquarium
Then I did something nuts...

I drank Barium!

It's atomic #56, let me tell you some more
It's naturally occuring, atomic weight 137.34
They had a Barium dispenser, it was like penicillan
just cuz he made me drink it, he wasn't a villian
For a lower GI, you won't get a sip
a barium enema is worse than drinking it!
I drank it through a straw, took some X-rays (more than one)
I had a great time...

I drank Barium!
Yep...

 

TOILET PAPER BLUES

I woke up this morning and I had to find some toilet paper
but there was none to be found in the state
the rubbish collectors came late
and the makers of toilet paper didn't make any
and now I"ve got the blues...

 

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (writ: volman, kaylan, muller)

Who sleeps all night in a cake made of Strawberry?
Who wakes up bright in a cake made of strawberry?
Living right in a cake made of strawberry -
Strawberry Shortcake! Wouldn't you know?

Who sweeps her floors in a cake made of Strawberry?
Plays outdoors of a cake made of Strawberry?
Games and chores in a cake made of Strawberry-
Strawberry shortcake, wouldn't you know?

It's love that makes her garden grow
with lots of pretty berries in a row
she greets each day with a berry glow
she's Strawberry Shortcake, wouldn't you know?

What's it like to stay in a cake made of Strawberry?
Work and play in a cake made of Strawberry
Learn the way of little miss Strawberry
Strawberry shortcake, then you will know
Strawberry shortcake says you'll know!

 

I MEAN WHAT I SAY

I mean what I say, I mean what I say
Oh yes I do, every word is true
I would not lie, to you or to anyone
I would not tell a lie...

I mean what I say...oh yes I do
I mean what I say...to you...

 

DONALD DUCK

Donald Duck! (repeat ad nauseum)

Then I decided, that was Mickey Mouse!

Mickey Mouse! (repeat almost as much as Donald Duck)

 

DEAD ON THE INSIDE

What comes around, goes around
I'm late for my own funeral and I can't be found
but that's only because I"ve already died

Oh I"m a hopeless case
I'm crying out loud, for crying out loud
And I'm not proud and I sure ain't happy

I lost my pride and I lost my mind
and I lost my heart and I can't find it
And I can't stop thinking about you

Well I'm not making any sense
and I"m not putting up a fence
but I put down my guard and there's nothing left to put down...

I'm dead on the inside but I can't die
I"m dead on the inside and I can't try
to go outside this door...

Opporitunity knocks just once
and you don't have to be a dunce
to know that inopporitunity knocks many times

I'm doubled over with this single thought
I've been to hell and what the heck
heaven sure sounds like a good time

I've turned over a new leaf
It's enough to turn my stomach and I can't keep
track of what day it is anymore

It's always the first impression
that is the worst impression
that you can make on anyone

 

OUCH!

Ouch, I didn't have any supper
and Potsie's playing Yahtzee in my house
Bounty is the quicker picker-upper
and everyday a loser is a louse

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, well alright

Popsiciles and icicles
Gypsies, tramps and thieves
Superman shot himself
and now he's Christopher Reeve

"The bell was ringing but it hadn't rung,
you cooked a beefsteak in the iron lung."

 

NOW YOU TRY A POEM (lyrics: Ward Petroskey)

You stand on the ground with your feet
Then you go and sit in your seat
Aren't they such pretty words?
Don't you love little birds?

 

BLACKOUT (KISS VERSION)

I know a little...

 

BRAIN CELL DREAM SONG

OK, this is just a dream, this is only a dream, this isn't really happening, OK

OK, I'm inside my head, an it's really dark, y'know, and there's all these lights flashing, and there's this really weird music. And all my brain cells were slam-dancing to this really weird music - you can hear the music, it's really weird. Then one of my Brain cells pulled out this little brain cell gun (BANG!) and shot all of them, every one, all of the brain cells, my entire, I think my back is broken, I...

Then a braincell came out and he took one of those little things they have, y'know, and he said, "Take two!" and all the braincells were ok, and they just kept moshing all night.

And I'm not on drugs, either.

 

CLASSIC ROCK RADIO

At the place where I work they play a classic rock station
It's driving me nuts!
I'd like to put on WEEP, but I don't have the guts

The next time I hear Steely Dan
the shit is really gonna hit the fan!

They're playing the Doors for the 100th time today
I"m going insane!
I want to stick the radio down the toilet
and flush it right down the drain!

The next time they play Bad Company
I just may jump off a balcony!

Well this DJ thinks he's really smart
he thinks that he is funnee
He plays records at the wrong speeds
and gives away large sums of money

The next time I hear Joe Cocker
I'm gonna go off my rocker!

If you had to hear "I shot the sheriff" again,
you know that you'd be bitter
I want to buy a keg of TNT
and blow up their fucking transmitter!

You know I'll be fucked up in the head
The next time they play "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead, Yeah!

 

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN

Nancy loved Harry, he didn't love Nancy
Harry and Honey, they both loved money
Nancy grew to fifty, then she killed Honey
She was pretty scary, and then she killed Harry

 

GOING NOWHERE

He's putting on a band-aid,
she'd having a baby
Somehow, the two are related
and then she walks by with her head in the air
and her hair, and her eyes
and then I realize
I'm just an idiot going nowhere

He's looking through a window
she's looking straight through him
anyhow, it's too late, yeah
and now I'm walking around
and my head wants to go down
I'm mixed up in the head
and I have to here it be said
that I'm just and idiot going nowhere

 

FEEL MY PAIN

I saw myself frowning in the mirror
I saw the frown on my face
and though a moment ago I was smiling
the frown has come back and taken it's place

Please please, I don't
I don't wanna feel like this
please make it stop whatever it is
please help me to feel good

I'm trying to compose myself
while I compose this song
and I'll compose it until I feel better
I hope it doesn't take to long

I should feel happy, look what God has given me
so why am I crying - in misery

There's no reason, for me, to feel this way
and I can see, and I can see a bright light ahead

 

THE DEVIL COMMANDS

A ritual death, bodies found slaughtered
rotting away, like plants that need watered
a face of marble, expressionless stone
looks familiar, but unknown

When the devil commands
you turn your back on him
when the devil commands
you turn away

From hell it came, to hell it can go
death is quick, life is so slow
Satan's my neighbor, I'm next door to hell
sometimes he borrows sugar, for his caramel

Lucifer rising, scorpio
he was a contestant, on Tic Tac Dough
a professor of demonology
is detrimental to ecology

 

GREENPEACE STOLE MY HUBCAPS

Greenpeace stole my hubcaps
then they sat on their porch and drank beer and laughed
they're not all they're cracked up to be
they do a little more than save fish from the sea

 

GIMME YOUR LOVE (writ: Hemric/Styner)

OOOOOH!!

I don't want to be the richest man, ooh yeah yeah
all I want to do is hold your hand, ooh yeah yeah
Riches won't buy you everything
I just want what love can bring
OOOOOH!! Gimme your love

I don't want what money can buy, ooh yeah yeah
come on little girl and I'll tell you why, oo yea yea
Money won't buy you happiness
All I need is your sweet kiss, yeah
OOOOH!! Gimme your love

Now that you know what I'm searching for
ooh, yeah yeah
Say you'll be mine forever more, ooh yeah yeah
You know I gotta find a love somehow
say you're gonna make me happy now
OOOOH!! Gimme your love

Yeah yeah yeah, OOOOH!

 

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

Once in a blue moon, under a blue moon
that's where I want to be
pretty soon, I'll be singing that tune
Happy as can be
(repeat twice)

Time is on my side, but I've wasted too much time
just staring at the clock
pretty soon there'll be nothing left to do
don't bother to knock

 

I USED TO LOVE HER

Well I remember once when I kissed her
but now she's everybody's sister
she used to wear skirts and hosery
but now she wears a habit and a rosary
God was the only man she ever understood
God was the only man she said was any good
I tried to tell her that God was not a man
but she just cried and she held my hand

I used to love her, but now she's a nun (3x)

 

BUY CRACKED MAGAZINE

Yeah!

Well my tongue is numb from the chewing gum that I chew
Cuz I'm sitting here sitting here sitting here with nothing to do
well I don't know why I am the way that I am
I don't know and I don't give a damn
Some people say that the stuff I read is obscene
But I just tell those people, "Buy Cracked Magazine!" Woo!

Reading "Time" is gonna make you blind to what's right
Reading "US News" will make everything seem trite
Reading "Newsweek" will get you caught in between
so get yourself a subscription to Cracked magazine. That's right

 

DON"T BOTHER HIM NOW

He's a wino, he's an albino
he's got a clubfoot and he's coming after you
he's a pallbearer, the blood beast terror
he's prepared this table, this table will do!

Don't bother him now, don't bother him now
he's likely to chop your head off
Don't bother him now, don't bother him now
he's likely to cut your head off

He's like a yo-yo, psycho a go-go
he'll drink the chlorine if you let him use your pool
the king of sodom, he'll eat your condom
he wants to make out with Francis the Talking Mule

Eating a blood feast, avoid mark of beast
the mad magician, he's the wizard of gore
he's like a yeti, with a machete
he knows your blood type
so you'd better lock your door!

 

MY 26TH BUS RIDE

I was at the bus stop then
it was a quarter to ten
and the skies were pretty overcast
then I felt some liquid fall
on my body overall
and a car full of laughing teens drove past

Well this must have caught the eye
of a woman passing by
for she asked, "What kind of bug did you see?"
I looked at her and shrugged
I said, "It wasn't any bug,
Those kids threw something at me". Yeah

After all this fuss, I got on board the bus
and I felt like I was gonna cry
but with a little trying, I kept myself from crying
and I stared off into the sky

I want to die!

 

TICKETS SHAPED LIKE MY BUTT

Tickets shaped like my butt! (4x)

David Stock gave the tickets to Tom Hoffman
they were free, they were free, they were complimentary
they were season tickets to the Pittsburgh New Music Ensemble!

So Tom sat them in his car, he sat em on the seat
and he sat on them
and then they were shaped like his butt!

and he gave them to me (tickets shaped like my butt)
(repeat 4 times)

Oh yeah!

 

RESICLE

Oh I'm so tired, I haven't had a good night's sleep
I have Giant Eagle bags under my eyes
and I'm gonna recycle them for money
oh and the bags are all dirty
and all wet inside
and they're full of old sales slips
and I don't care


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