EMERGENCY

This is an emergency!
Can't you tell by the urgency?
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming

Jeepers, creepers
I poked out one of her peepers
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming

We gotta get some help real soon
she's screaming in the other room
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming

At first I thought I was only dreaming
but she's really out there screaming
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming

OW!

Now she's a cyclops, mad as a triceratops
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming
I stuck my finger in her eye and it's bleeding
I stuck my finger in her eye and she's screaming!

 

FUN IN ACAPULCO

I'm having fun, I"m having fun in Acapulco, yeah
I'm playing rock'n roll, oh yeah
I'm having fun, I'm having fun

I'm getting sun, from layin under palm treeses
I'm feeling all the calm breezes
I'm getting sun, I"m having fun

Fun, fun, fun, fun in the sun (4x)

I'm having fun, I'm watching movies starring Elvis
He sure can swing that pelvis!
I'm having fun, I'm having fun!

 

SOY TONI COMMERCIAL

You like Soy Toni, I like Soy Toni
You like Soy Antonio,
Now I"m gonna beat your wife!

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Soy! Everyone will love it!

A product of "Yucchy Foods"...

 

I DIED 1000 TIMES

Thinking about you
you know I really miss your love
Dreaming about you
your bare skin on a bearskin rug
(repeat all)

Well I've got a thing for you girl (2x)
I"ve got a thing for you...

I died 1000 times (3x)...Without your love

Living without you
you know I really miss your touch
being without you
I miss you baybee oh so much
(repeat all)

I just don't feel like I"m alive girl (2x)
I just don't feel like I"m alive...

Just yesterday I saw some birds learning to fly
and when I saw those birds it made me want to cry

 

DISGUSTING FISH

Let's discuss disgusting fish, disgusting fish
Let's talk about it baybee!
(repeat)

Oh, let's get it out in the open
that's really healthy to do
let's get it out in the open
it's a good thing to air out the fish!

Let's discuss disgusting fish, disgusting fish
Let's talk about it baybee!
Let's discuss disgusting fish, they don't have lips
Let's talk about it baybee!

Oh let's get it out in the open
that's really healthy to do
oh, loose fish sink lips
Louis Lips sinks ships

Let's discuss disgusting fish, disgusting fish
How about it, huh?
Let's discuss disgusting fish, disgusting fish
(unpronouncable retching noise)

Oh let's get it out in the open
that's really healthy to do
oh Friday is fish day
fish and visitors go bad in 3 days!

Disgusting!
No lips!
Yeah...

 

ABNORMAL BRAIN

Abnormal brain, my head is in pain
it's pressing against my skull
abnormal brain, nothing I can explain
no explanation at all

In my head it will live in me
and it will live in infamy
I can't think straight, too much confusion lives
I can't relate to relatives

abnormal brain, a permanant strain
my grey matter is gone
abnormal brain, my mind's down the drain
there's nothing that it can be on

Try not to ask me any questions
I can't even answer my mail
if you don't use your brain, then you can't use your brain
because your brain will start to fail

abnormal brain, I cannot be sane
there's no help for me
abnormal brain, to think is in vain
I've lost that ability

you'll waste your money if you offer
a penny for my thoughts
my mental health has me in hell
my brain is tied in knots

abnormal brain, I can't end it's reign
there's nothing else I've ever known
abnormal brain, it's always the same
me and my head are alone! (3x)

 

KNUCKLEHEAD

Everyday I can't believe you're here
you've made losing jobs into a career
you certainly have proved to me
you don't need brains to get a college degree!

You're a knucklehead! Yeah a chucklehead! (2x)

You come from a place that's full of hicks
yet all you talk about is politics
you like sunshine and tomato plants
your food is swarming with a hundred ants
hard to describe how you smell
it's like a mixture of a Taco Bell
with some really ugly flatulence
and a couple pairs of unwashed pants

I can't believe you're still talking to me
it makes me wish I had a Spanish CD
where can I get a Spanish CD, though?
where can I get a sandwich, amigo?

 

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND

Ain't no way I"m celebrating dead people's day
Lots of people died, for whom someone cried
I won't shed a tear, not even once a year
they travel near and far, most of them in their cars
and clogging up the parkway
I'm not celebrating dead people's day

It's not very merry in the cemetary
they put the fun back into funeral
they make it out to be a carnival
they gather together and eat frankfurters
and make watermelon baskets and lemonade
on dead people's day

Some people died from drinking and driving
on dead people's day
from putting too much alcohol away

I have to work on dead people's day
I don't mind because double time I get paid!
putting out flags on dead people's day
because they think veterans are pretty OK

everyone's bar-b-quing, even Rod McKuen
dead people's day is Morticia's favorite day
because she gets to drink blood and party away
but I"m not celebrating
or even contemplating celebrating
dead people's day

 

I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT POKNIG ANYTHING IN MY BELLYBUTTON

I don't wanna to die, but I don't wanna to live
This life is draining me, I've got nothing left to give
i'm so depressed I'm all alone
I've tripped into the psycho zone
I'm so damn sad, I feel like shit...

and I don't wanna think about poking anything in my bellybutton...no I don't!

I don't wanna think about poking anything in my bellybutton (3x)
and you can't make me!

 

NASTY TRICKS TO FOOL YOUR FRIENDS

I know some nasty tricks to fool your friends
I know some nasty tricks to make them meet their ends
Ha-ha-hee, ha-ha-ho-ha-hee-ho (2x)

They'll all meet their ends in a variety of contrived ways
they'll all meet their ends cuz crime never pays
they'll all meet their ends within a few short days
when my friends meet their ends

I'll finish them off by whatever means it takes
I'll finish them off despite the mess it makes
the cradle will rock when the bough breaks
and my friends meet their ends

With friends like these, who needs enemies? (3x)

 

MARDI GRAS

Mardi Gras - I'm having a party! (3x)

I'm having a party! But nobody told me
Who are all these people?
why are they eating my strudel?

I didn't even know I had a trampoline
who owns that jumping monkey?
I guess I'll try to mingle
I'll just have to watch my hangnail

Everyone's leaving
even Steven
faces are turning red
was it something I said?

 

WHY GIVE US CANDY?

Why give us candy? (3x)
when you could give us fruit

oh oh it don't mean beans (2x)

macaroni and cheese
please mommy please
why give us candy when you could give us fruit

and if you're thinking bout
a scooter pie
then you can go suck eggs
why give us candy when you could give us fruit?

 

COLD DRINKS

I really like cold drinks
I really like cold drinks
I'll tell you what me thinks
Me thinks me likes cold drinks

ever since I was a little boy
I've always said "Oh boy!"
for cold drinks!
I really like cold drinks
I never pour them down sinks
I only drink cold drinks

ever since I was a young man
I've always planned to have cold drinks
I really like cold drinks
I think that warm ones really stinks
I only drink cold drinks

Ever since I grew up
I lost count how many I threw up
the cold drinks
I really like cold drinks
I wish I had one right now
cuz I like those drinks!

 

TIRED OF LIFE

I don't wanna be topical
I'm not living in a tropical paradise
it's not nice - I don't like it

They say life is what you make it
but I don't know if I can take it anymore
I'm not sure - I don't like it

and I'm tired of life, I"m tired of the pain
I'm tired of the strife and I'm tired of the strain
I'm tired of stress and being depressed
I"m just tired, tired of life

I don't wanna be cynical
but I"m not at the pinnacle of happiness
It's not bliss - I don't like it

they say that life goes on
but I can't make it to dawn or through the night
it's not alright - I don't like it

and I talk to myself, cuz that's what you do
when nobody else will listen to you
and I hate myself and that's the result
of feeling like everything is my fault
and I just want to die, I want to give up
I want to go to sleep and never wake up

 

KEN SHETTERLY"S CHAINSAW

Got a crabapple tree that needs cut down
Tired of seeing it's fruit all over the ground
it doesn't stop, so it's gotta go
but we need a chainsaw you oughta know
If I'm gonna do it I need the tool of the trade
So ask the guy who's got it, don't be afraid

with Ken Shetterly's chainsaw
I'm gonna be cutting
knocking down the crabapple tree
Ken Shetterly's chainsaw
is gonna start running
it's gonna make a man out of me (3x)

Oh I can't wait to pull that starter cord
there'll be a big sputter then a big ugly roar
shiny little teeth going round and round
once I get going won't wanna put it down, down
you could charge admission
make some people pay
but when I yell "timber!", get them out of the way!

 

ICKY PILL FACE

Take your medicine like a man
don't make that icky pill face
I know that it's got a bad taste
but don't make that Icky pill face

now I don't like to see you crying
and I don't like to see you frown
but you've got to make that pill go down

don't make that icky pill face
don't be a basket case
don't make that icky pill face

now don't spit it out
you know better than that
don't you want to be a healthy cat?

it's not so bad, it could be worse
this pill's gonna keep you from
lying in the back of a hearse

 

THE MAD BOMBER

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm completely mad you see!
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
mad as mad can be!
with my suitcase tucked up under my arm
I surely look like I"d do you know harm
but don't make me mad or I'll go into fits
and I'll blow you to bits!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm the mad bomber!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mad like Jeffrey Dahmer!
But I wouldn't eat you
cuz that would make me gag
but I keep my bombs in this little black bag
don't make me mad, don't even try
cuz I will blow you sky high!

(random laughing)

 

HE CAUGHT IT

Well I am my own best friend
and I am my worst enemy
just we three, myself, I and me

oh my body's like a hollow pumpkin skin
my whole soul is completely sunken in

tomorrow, there is woe
and sorrow will follow
overhead and under toe
when I walk I see that I have no shadow
I just can't mend I want to end myself
friend and foe

 

SMALL CASH PRIZE

I'm in the winning (4x)
I'm gonna win this time
I was a loser (4x)
so many times before
But I've been caught with my pants down
for the very last time
my pants are definitely up, and I'm gonna win

A small cash prize! (2x)

I"m playing bingo (4x)
I'm so good at this game!
I"m feeling lucky (4x)
I"m driving you insane!
and I've been waiting for so long
It took so many tries
but tonight I'll settle for nothing less than

A small cash prize! (2x)

I don't really care about the
case of eskimo pies
all I really care about is...

I'll either walk away a winner
or I'll walk away a loser
but either way, I'm gonna walk away
I'm gonna walk away, I'm gonna get away
I'm gonna walk away, I'm gonna get away
I'm gonna get away, I"m gonna get on down
I"m gonna get away, I'm gonna get on down
Gonna get on down, gonna get away
get on down, gonna get away with
a small cash prize!

 

I COULDN'T GET THE KEYMAKER TO WORK

I got a job at the hardware store today
It doesn't have very good pay
but the hours are okay

so I was fixing up the ball peen hammer display
when I heard a voice say, "Hey!
Can I have some service today?"

I figured this fella must have been talking to me
he was holding out a key
and said, "Could you please make a copy?"

But I couldn't get the keymaker to work
I couldn't get the keymaker to work
and I felt like a jerk
cuz I couldn't get the keymaker to work
I"m sure it's not very hard to operate
but I couldn't get it to work!

I just thought that I could make a key with ease
I thought that it would be a breeze
but what I made didn't look like keys!

The guy slammed his fist on the counter
and he started to yell
he had a nazi armband as well
and he said, "Make zis key, Mach Schnell!!!"

The guy took his key and he quickly made for
the door
he told me that I could be sure
that I would never work there no more
but I don't know what I"m worried for
cuz my old man owns the store!

 

I SOLD MY DIPLOMA

I think I'm headed for a nervous breakdown
lately I can't even keep my cake down
There's lots of things that I've been taught
most of which I have forgot
even though I've had my schoolin'
I know there's nobody I am foolin'
Cuz even though I did pass
I can't go to the head of the class
cuz even though I made the grade
I'm starting to be afraid
cuz even though I've learned a lesson
now I know I need to be confessin'
that even though I've been educated
I've got no proof that I have graduated!

I sold my diploma, I moved to Tacoma
I need a doctor, I"m off my rocker
My dog has fleas, I'm on my knees
I'm not really stupid, but I just can't prove it

 

LET'S GO APESHIT (co-writ: Scott Morshhauser)

Going apeshit! (apeshit!)
Accordion Action! (action!)
Going apeshit! (apeshit!)
G.I. Joe! (G.I. Joe!)

You can make him hold a gun
hey kids it's really fun!
Action! (Knock yourself out)

He's got a big tank
and he smells really rank!
Action! (Knock yourself out)

Let's go apeshit and polka down!
I love plastic action figures and
you can't make me put them down!

You can't get the slip
from his kung-fu grip!
Action! (Knock yourself out)

 

I'M GONNA GO TO HAWAII

I'm gonna go to Hawaii
I'm gonna go to Hawaia
Sushi sitting out on the counter
Suzy sitting out on the beach

I'm gonna go to Hawaii
I'm gonna go to Hawaia
Tiny bubbles in the wine
Large holes in Don Ho

Well Aloha means "Hello"
and Aloha means "Goodbye"
oh oh Oklahoma please don't cry
drink some lye!

I'm gonna go to Hawaii
I'm gonna go to Hawaia
off the coast of Waikiki
Elton John and Kiki Dee

I'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be
you're gonna give your coconut milk to me

I'm gonna go to Hawaii
I'm gonna go to Hawaia
Won't you speak some English please?
But you can't, you're Japanese

Aloha!
I hear I can get a nice lei around here
L-E-I, that is...

 

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS

A doctor dying of cancer, he hasn't long to live
he's looking for someone to give
him their body for his head
before he's dead, like I said
He's dying of cancer
The transplant was successful on an ape
that made it's escape
to a store, and with a roar, it ate bananas

This thing has two heads (2x)
it don't need two beds, just two pillows!

So they searched deathrow for a convict volunteer
played by Rosey Grier
two heads on one body, one's black and one is white
something isn't right
the doc was pissed, cuz he's prejudiced
and he's a bigot - can you dig it?

The thing went out the door and it took a little hike
and got on a dirt bike
a lot of police cars chased it for awhile
I didn't smile
a lot of police cars fell over cliffs
the cops all became stiffs
it was boring, I was snoring, I was half asleep

Rosey went to see his girlfriend at her home
if only she had known that he had an extra head
she wouldn't join him in bed
the doc threw fits when she cooked grits
and other soul food

So the doctor got to see his theory proved
then his head was removed
Rosey was swinging, they started singing
"Oh Happy Day"!

 

BLATBACK (lyrics: Bruce Dabney)

I had another of my crazee dreams. I was dreaming about my father's refrigerator for some reason, and I dreamed that the brand name of it was "Blatback". A "Blatback" refrigerator! I must be "losing it"!

 

OLD ICE CREAM

This has been here not since September,
but the September before
A year and a month

If I was on an island
and all I had to eat was that ice cream
A year and a month

I wanna throw it in the garbage! (3x)
and then I'd put it on the curb
and then they'd take it away!


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