WHAT I"M GONNA DO TO YOU

I'm gonna bean you with a beanie
I'm gonna slap you with a slurpie
I'm gonna make you leave New Jersey
as soon as I can

I'm gonna peg you with parcheesi
I'm gonna squeeze you with a squeegee
I'm gonna make you leave Milwaukee
as soon as I can

Yes that's what I'm gonna do to you (3x)

I'm gonna belt you with a bunjee
I'm gonna trip you with a twinkie
I'm gonna have you leave Hawaii
as soon as I can

I'm gonna spit on your Suzuki
I'm gonna tape you to a turkey
I"m gonna scrape you with a slinky
as soon as I can

I'm gonna mate you with a monkey
I'm gonna date you with a donkey
I'm gonna hate you like a honkey
as soon as I can

I'm gonna make you pop a wheelie
I'm gonna make you sign a treaty
I'm gonna shoot you with my uzi
and it weighs a ton

 

DREADED GLAUCOMA TEST

(see NOW I BLOW MY ABC'S)

 

MY HEAD"S ON FIRE

(see I NEED A PENCIL SHARPENER)

 

TOM ATE A BANANA

(see NOW I BLOW MY ABC'S)

 

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT WOMAN

(see MY LAST TAPE)

 

LISTENING TO YOUR HEART

(see MY LAST TAPE)

 

NACHO SIN CASA (LP bonus track)

(see I NEED A PENCIL SHARPENER)

 

FEEDING SQUIRRELS FIRE (writ: Jen McFeely)

A small creature stuck in the big city
what a sad story, what a sick pity
I walk through the park and see your confined faces
looking for food in all the wrong places
teens are feeding squirrels fire
laughing and screaming all the while

missing your fur, your skin plainly showing
up in your tree I see
you shaking your fist at them ferociously
a simple life you lead, these teens have disagreed
for they were feeding squirrels fire
it made me sad, made me perspire

I stuck a gun up to their temples
smiling, showing my dimples
and said, NEVER feed squirrels fire...again

 

NOT OF THIS WORLD (lyrics: Manny Theiner)

A sherrif in a pick-up truck
a grampa who liked hunting duck
a Japanese guy in a business suit
a boy named Billy who's really cute
a lady engineer from MIT
a small southern town called Liberty
all were part of a panorama
that set the scene for a human drama

It was not of this, it was not of this,
it was not of this world! (repeat)

The thing came down in the meteorite
they tried to kill it but it put up a fight
it ate the pig and the do and Bruce
they chased it through the woods like a wild goose
but the engineers made a discovery
they found it ate electricity
so they made the power plant overload
and hoped the alien would explode

but the thing just kept on feeding
so they held an impromptu meeting
Grampa told the plant controller
that the alien was bi-polar
so they reversed it's polarity
averting certain calamity
the alien died in a shrapnel shower
the whole story only took two hours

 

POOR LITTLE FLY

Poor little fly, it's so sad to see you die
drowning in a glass of water
but I guess it must be better than to be hit
by a fly swatter
smashed against the wall by somebody's
daughter
and she never will feel guilty because nobody
caught her

Poor little fly, you're not as poor as I
drowning in a glass of liquor
and it doesn't help me to forget any quicker
yes, it only succeeds in making me feel every bit more sicker

Poor little fly, I only want to cry
looking into the glass of the mirror
and it doesn't make things look any clearer
and although I don't know why, I
am starting to fear her

Poor little fly, it's so sad to see you die
drowning in a glass of water

 

KNOCK PEOPLE OVER

(see I NEED A PENCIL SHARPENER)

 

ACTIN' LIKE MEL TORME (co-writ: Manny Theiner)

When I'm wearing a black toupee'
I'm actin' like Mel Torme'
and when I'm eating cream sorbet
I'm actin' like Mel Torme'

actin' like Mel Torme'
actin' like Mel Torme'
there's nothing to it, I'm gonna do it
actin' like Mel Torme'

When I'm watching "Frugal Gourmet"
I'm actin' like Mel Torme'
and when I'm preparing a party tray
I"m actin' like Mel Torme'

actin' like Mel Torme'
actin' like Mel Torme'
there's nothing to it, I"m gonna do it
actin' like Mel Torme'

When I find a dog that's stray
I'm actin' like Mel Torme'
and when I'm playing like Robert Cray
I"m actin' like Mel Torme' - Get it!

When I've got nothing else to say
I"m actin' like Mel Torme'
and when I"m feeling really gay
I AM MEL TORME'!

actin' like Mel Torme'
sitting on the dock of the bay
watching the ships come in
actin' like Mel Torme'
I said there's nothing to it
I'm gonna do it
actin' like Mel Torme!

 

BLACKOUT (KING KONG VERSION)

I know a little...

 

WHALIN' THE SHIT OUT OF GUYS ("Lo Fi" version)

My arms were flailing
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys!

My car was speeding, their heads were bleeding
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

The hate was in my eyes
My fists were organized
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

Fists and faces were in collision
I had that double vision
I did some circumcision
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

I was breaking potato chips
I was re-wiring their hips
I was pulling off their lips
(and tweaking their nips)
and I was knocking the crap out of poopheads!

I was letting off poisonous gasses
I was breaking cheap sunglasses
I was kicking their asses!
and I was kicking the piss out of guys

I felt like Mr. T
wearing gold jewelry
or Muhammad Ali
I gave a frontal lobotomy
My eyes were bloody and I couldn't see
I'm sure you will agree
that I was the Joshua Tree!
whalin' the shit out of guys!

Now it's finally over, now I'm sober
but I still don't know why
why was I whalin' the shit out of guys?

End it!

 

SCOTT BAIO WAS SEEN AT THE (LEGENDARY) PINK DOT CONVIENCE STORE BUYING 12 CANS OF TUNA AND A CARTON OF CIGARETTES

Scott Baio bought 12 cans of tuna
and a carton of cigarettes
sometimes he makes a shopping list
because sometimes he forgets
what he went there for
why he went to the pink dot convience store
he really doesn't want to have to go there anymore
but he's got to cuz he is poor

because you don't make as much on "Charles in Charge", as you did on "Happy Days"
those were happier days!
those were happier days!
when Joanie loved Chachi in the American way

well ever since Kristy McNichol,
Scott's really never been the same
and now he's starting to get a shay tired of
WIllie Aames
he wants to clean house now, yeah he wants to
get tough
he wants to send ol' Willie back to "8 is Enough"

because you don't make as much on "Charles in
Charge" as you did on "Happy Days"
those were happier days!
those were happier days!
when your picture was on the cover of
"Teen Beat"!
Huh!
Alright now

 

I WENT TO CHINATOWN

I went to Chinatown, ha-so, ha-so
I went to Chinatown, um-de-um-da-lay

 

MIKEL E. '99 (co-writ: Manny Theiner)

Mikel E. '99!
brazenly repackaged slime!
WYEP is owned and operated
primarily by white men!
who compromised, again and again
Ben Opie thinks you're dopey!

Have you poked into this world beat thing?
yucchy music won't make phones ring!
Quiet drive a nail through your skull!

You gave Butch and Moe the axe
replaced by yuppie folkie tracks
You tore a jazz fans world apart
and broke Buck Brice's dying heart
You killed him!
Old free form days are dead and gone
the city responds with a yawn
You really deserve this if you hire Scott Mervis!

Mikel E. '99
Radio murder is a crime!
You're a mollusk!

 

PIECE OF MEAT IN THE TANG

(see DOES ANYONE WANT THIS?)

 

HARANGUE (LP bonus track)

(see I NEED A PENCIL SHARPENER)

 

GIMME YOUR LUNCH MONEY

(see IN CASE OF FIRE THROW THIS IN)

 

COULD WE BE SO BORED

(see NOW I BLOW MY ABC'S)

 

PANDAMONIUM

Pounding pandas off the wall
pounding pandas on your skull
macrame macaroons
I bought a helium baboon
lots of pandas wear my clothes
I stuck a panda up my nose
meeting pandas at the zoo
eating pandas in Peru
rubbing pandas with steel wool
clubbing pandas is real cruel
what's black and white and red all over
a panda that got run over
what's black and white and green all over
and panda holding a four leaf clover
pounding pandas off the wall
pouding pandas on your skull
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

 

MY FATHER'S TOE

(see IN CASE OF FIRE THROW THIS IN)

 

SIMULATED WOOD

(see IN CASE OF FIRE THROW THIS IN)

 

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

(see MY LAST TAPE)


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