Yeah we're gonna get a hamburger at the airport
Yeah we're gonna fill our luggage with all kinds of sluggage at the airport
Yeah we're gonna lose our minds, we're gonna have a rockin' time at the airport

Gonna make all on the plane go insane at the airport
Yeah we're gonna make a mess of the stewardess at the airport
Yeah we'll be using the barf bag, yeah we're gonna have jetlag at the airport - Chaw!

Gonna take a trip to fairport at the airport
Yeah we're gonna all work on my science report at the airport
Yeah we're gonna mail-sort, gonna cut my hair short at the airport - Good gum!

Yeah I'm gonna get a big red rash at the airport
Yeah I'm gonna be a big red smash at the airport
Yeah, Crosby, Stills and Nash
God I hope that we don't crash at the airport

"oh here I am on my field trip to the airport"
"Hi little girl, would you like to let me show you the luggage carousel?"
"do you got gum?"



You're a jerk, I hate you
You're an ass, you're a poo
You're a jerk, go to hell

I know a little...



"Dude, what're we gonna do?"
"I don't know dude, I'm pretty bored"
"But we can't just sit here, we gotta do something"
"but...there's nothing to do"

Could we be so bored, could we be so bored
Could we be so bored tonight?

Sitting here picking my nose
checking if the ice cubes have froze
the boredom just grows and grows

Sitting here with nothing to do
I'm watching Steve spit chew
look out or he might spit some at you

Talking bout the worst way to die
We just sit and sigh
we're so bored we could cry

We're throwing that football around
Potato chips all over the ground
Spaghetti is all over the ceiling

Counting the holes in the tile
I can't even work up a smile
I'd rather be at a murder trial

This is getting annoying
it's time to be destroying
everything that I see


DREADED GLAUCOMA TEST (2nd verse: Ward Petroskey)

What's this stuff in my eyes?
It gave me a headache
I thought it took an hour, it took two seconds
This is a test I gotta take

The dreaded glaucoma test
You gotta take it if you're 17
the dreaded glaucoma test
sit right down and you'll see what I mean

I went to Lenscrafters at the mall
I had to have glaucoma test
or no test at all
got so mad, outta the store
what do I need that stupid test for
went to Pearle, sad to say
had to take that stupid test anyway


ELVIS [JAILHOUSE RAPE] (lyrics: Ed-a-go-go)

Just got raped in the county jail
Got hold of me and I started to wail
Then he started to pull out his thing
Put it in me and man I started to sing

Let's rock, everybody let's rock
All the big dudes in the whole cell block
be rapin' under key and lock

Look out for big black Paul
Man Spider Murphy will drive you through the wall
15 year old Jeffrey here for 2 days
left on a stretcher and he died from Aids

My cellmate is a redneck named Jim
no vaseline and it's looking grim
50 guys got me layin' on a chair
and the weaselly guys couldn't get none so that sat and stared

All the rednecks in the whole cell block
be rapin' with their jailhouse cocks
Might as well take a piece of you while I'm at it...



This is an instrumental.



George Burns - I can't believe I'm still alive
George Burns - yeah I'm only 95
George Burns - I'm really God
George Burns - I got such a sexy bod
Well it's ok that I smoke Havana cigars
and it's ok that I hang out in gay bars
and it's ok that I caught a lot of sturgeon
and it's ok that I'm a compulsive neuro-surgeon
George Burns - I wanna play my Atari
George Burns - what the hell is Atari?
George Burns - I wanna wash my mouth out with soap
George Burns - I wanna kiss the Pope
George Burns - now I'm a dope smoking freak
George Burns - playing hide-and-go-seek
George Burns - Well I really love you
George Burns - I wanna push and shove you
George Burns - I wanna eat my salami
George Burns - what the hell is salami?
George Burns - yeah I died in World War 2
George Burns - I really love Motley Crue
I wanna marry them...

Yeah kids, lemme tell ya bout it
I was walking down the street, I saw this guy
glasses on, big fat cigar in his mouth
was wearing a suit, he looked like he was about
95 years old. and he said, "how are ya, how are
ya...", no wait, that's not George Burns,
but this guy man, I'll tell ya, he looked a lot to me like...someone I call George Burns
but it turns out he wasn't, but I wouldn't expect to see George Burns walking down the street anyway in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. But it turned out the guy was really 30 years old and he knocked me flat on my ass - kinda insulted.
But, I feel bitter/better about the whole incident now, that's why I'm willing to relate to you the entire facts behind George Burns.

Because I know it all about George Burns. Ah, I've read several books on the subject. If you look further down on my resume', you'll see that I once owned one of his garbage cans. Me and George go way back, way back, you know what I'm telling you.

I was listening to the radio the other day. and I was thinking about George Burns. I was thinking about, oh, how he shaped America by traveling west along the Louisana river discovering many of know what I'm saying, he made a lot of settlements down there in the south in the 1800's I believe, and I think he really shaped the world. I think that everything came down to George Burns at one time or another, because, George Burns is God! OH GOD!

Now I was watching Mtv the other day and I saw a video. A video by They Might Be Giants. And it was a pretty cool tune, let me tell ya. I liked it a lot. But I hate Mtv, so why the hell was I watching it? I don't know...I think the only person who does know is George Burns. Looked like he drove his car with his feet or something. I WANT MY HOSSENFEFFER! George Burns!



You come in here with that attitude
You think you're cool, but you are screwed
You talk too much diarhea mouth
you don't know what you're talking about

You're such a narrow minded jerk
you are spit and you are dirt
if it ain't nice don't say it at all
but in your case I'll make that call

I hate you (4x)



Well way back in the day I wasn't worth a damn
but now I bust more rhymes than your homeboy Sam
All you sucker MC's whoever you may be
Run Dmc or Kool Moe Dee
You say you're deaf, I got a hearing aid for sale
you say you're fresh but I think you're stale

I got the tap! I got the tap, you gonna rap? (2x)

Well now what this rap really means
is that you shouldn't get drunk if you're in your teens
or get drunk at all, if you're in your right mind
cuz if you do then you're the losing kind

If you drink and drive then you're a melonhead
cuz you'll either end up jailed or you'll end up dead
If you come to my crib you better wise up fast
don't roll in the keg, or I'll kick your ass
If you get drunk, you'll get me in a rage
and I'll scare you off with my big 12-gague

When you're holding a can you feel like a man
but you need a hand, you can't even stand
you look at the clock and say Millertime
You're always drunk right out of your mind
You're an alcoholic, a stupid little frolic
to get a buzz or whatever you call it
You can't live without it, you know all about it
you say you don't need it but I seriously doubt it!




Well hi!

Jesus is lord, Jesus is lord
Jesus is our God!
He's lord! He's our God!
Jesus, mighty king of kings
Jesus, hear me sing



My parents think I'm anorexic
They follow me wherever I go
I wish I had an empty barrel
I wish I had an empty hoe



My flesh is torn away from my body
My skin is torn from bone
My insides are being ripped away
I'm getting blood from a stone
I never stop bleeding, my body is a spastic mess
I never stop bleeding, I never stop bleeding

Electricity shoots through the air
I stop breathing then I start again
I taste blood and I want to taste more
Something's eating it's way through my soul

Somebody else is taking my place
My limbs feel unattached
There's a hole that connects me to the outside world
My left and right sides are unmatched



Taste buds - I can taste the things I wanna eat
taste buds - I can taste things sour and sweet
taste buds - if I don't get chew I'll have a nicotine fit
taste buds - my tongue lashes out it's a guaranteed hit

Taste buds!



They say Nostradamus predicted some presidencies
He predicted the Shaw of Iran & the Kennedies
They say Nostradamus was great and all knowing
but we don't need Nostradamus
to show us where we're going

I found out he was born in 1503
from a book I got out from the public library
but who gives a shit when you've given up hope
even if this dude predicted some or the other pope

We see it back in history in every goddamn war
and fear isn't any good, it never helped before
it's easy to hate when you shoot down their planes
it's easy to hate when you don't have any brains
well people yell and screaming
"when's it gonna end?"
well stop all your bitchin, and let's just be friends


ONE WHO (co-writ: Linda Petroskey)

You pick your nose and eat it
you are a slob
you think that we don't see it
your nickname is "gob"
but your name isn't Nick
it starts with a "J"
you drop your pants for pickwick
you think that it's ok

it's such a bummer
you call us twits
you're around all summer
and you like to spit
you go up to our toilet
you were there two hours
who knows what you were doing
you might be taking a shower



Feeling pretty ok today (3x)

I thought it was a good day but I wasn't sure
I had to find out for myself if I could endure
All my food tastes so good, I don't understand
Why is it so different? It usually tastes so bland

If I don't wanna go out, take walk down the street
I've got my reasons the day still seems complete
I just wanna stay inside with an open door
because I feel so alive just laying on the floor

My clothes seem to fit so well
my hair just hangs down
my mind is on just what I need
my music is my sound



I want a duck, I want a duck for a pet
I want a duck. (repeat all)

Oh-ho maybe if Linda takes her feet off the seat
then the duck will say
"quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack"
Nearly gave me a heartattack.


REGGAE ISLAND (lyrics: Tom Ryan)

I took a little ride, to an island I know
Way out in the Carribean
where the cold wind don't blow, mon
Yeah I took a little plane ride
to this island that I know
Yeah flying ain't so bad man, if you got a know what I mean

Reggae island, woah oh (4x)

Yeah there's so many bananas
on this island where I live
yeah they're all yellow bananas
wearing them red bandanas
C'mon take a little plane ride with me
where the water is so blue you can see right thru
and the fishes are all different colors and
woah yeah, uh huh
woah yeah, uh huh
I said a hey mon, I said a hey mon, hey mon

C'mon man we're gonna go on a little plane ride
way out in the middle of the sea
where the fishes are all different colors
and the women are one color - dark!

C'mon man, a kind of tropical island
but don't go to Jamaica mon, don't go to the Cayman islands mon come back to Reggae island

C'mon mon, come back to the rastaman and his family...come back to Reggae Island
There is so much weed...



Kids got Monday off, they're going like crazee
they're leaning by the door, feeling lazy
they wanna rock and roll tonight
they wanna rock til the early morning light
Now they gotta get out of the pool room
now they gotta get up to go to school

Well, they don't drop the ball
they come when you call
Spanish studs by the card catalog (repeat all)

You see 'em running out on Friday night
well you see em smokin' they're as high as a kite
they wanna rock and roll forever
they wanna rock don't wanna stop ever
they gotta stop drinking now
they gotta start thinking, yow!

now they're gonna be wheelin' and dealin'
now they're doing library book stealin'



Tom is eating a ba-nan-a
eating a Tropicana
he's eating a banana that your uncle once ate
eating a banana without a plate
a banana, Tom is eating

Tom is eating a banana now
he's eating it, but not a cow
Tom is eating a banana with his hand
he's eating a banana and it was not planned
to eat a banana...theorhetically

The day Tom ate the banana
and didn't take the sticker off
he was not a child anymore

Tom ate a banana
and I've got a story to tell
He's still eating it, I don't know if he'll ever finish
eating it - Tom, Tom, Tom!



I used to bullseye whomprats (3x)
when I was back home
I used to bullseye whomprats, sure I did
I used to bullseye whomprats, you know I did
I used to bullseye whomprats when I was back home

Big assed whomprats, I used to stomp rats
I used to stomp rats into the ground (repeat)



As you call my name, the echo tapers
you watch me eat my Necco wafers
Sane men look and laugh at me
when I show my banana tree


WHALIN' THE SHIT OUT OF GUYS (co-writ: Tom Ryan, Steve Rose)

My arms were flailing
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

My car was speeding. their heads were bleeding
and we're whalin' the shit out of guys!

The hate was in my eyes
my fists were organized
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

Fists and faces were in collison
I had that double vision
I did some circumcision
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

Their heads were filled with wow and flutter
I dumped them in a hump in the gutter
and I was whalin' the shit out of guys

I was breaking potato chips
I was rewiring their hips
I was pulling off their lips
and tweaking their nips
and we're kicking the piss out of guys

I was in mid-collision
it was obstructing my vision
They finally put me in prison
cause I was whalin' the shit out of guys

I was lettin off poisonous gasses
I was breakin cheap sunglasses
I was kickin their asses
and I was kickin the piss out of guys

My fists were smoking
His neck was choking
and I ain't joking
and we're whalin' the shit out of guys

I was streaking like a comet
I was smellin' vomit
and I was knocking the crap out of guys

Now It's finally over, now I'm sober
but I still don't know why
why was I whalin the shit out of guys



Well I think you're better than John Wayne Gacy
I think you're cooler, it's true
I think you're better than John Wayne Gacy
I kind of like you

Well I think you're better than John Wayne Gacy
I really look up to you
I think it was wrong for him to kill those people
but it's ok when you do



Trying to be someone you're not
it won't be long before you're caught
you lost your own life, that's alright
you'll get another, you'll just fight
you wear a mask to hide the truth
eye for eye, and tooth for tooth
you got some nerve to change your name
there's nobody else to blame but
Yourself (3x)

You lost your place, you lost your face, yourself

You can't escape reality
you gotta face it constantly
you can run but you won't get far
try to hide, but there you are
you still exist in memory
but you can't escape your destiny
I wonder if you'll ever find
anybody that's as blind as yourself


ZING! (MICRONAUTS) (writ: Chris Hout)

I got back from college, and I was out in the real world. The real world...
And I got my friend Kurt and we decided to go over my childhood friend's house, Paul Petrosley
We were up in his room just sort of hanging around and something caught my eye
something I hadn't seen for so long
I saw it. It was the micronauts battlecruiser
I was blown away. I hadn't seen that for so long
My grandparents had bought me so many of em.
I love them! Micronauts are great! They're so fun to play with! Micronauts, mircronauts!
I had em out for awhile and they're really cool!
The interchangeable world! I just love em!
The battlecruiser rules!

So I had to put the micronauts away, cuz some people were giving me some shit about it
but I still love em...and I'll always love em.

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