LOOK! I'M IN LOVE

LOOK! I'M IN LOVE (4x)

I'm walking on air, my heads in the clouds
So go ahead and stare, cuz I will be proud
there ain't no nothing gonna get me down anymore

I can't help but smile I'm feeling so great
and all of the while I can hardily wait
cuz I got a feeling that I'm gonna be the one

I'm sticking right out just like a sore thumb
I just wanna shout, "Let me be the one!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah - won't you notice me????

For crying out loud, LOOK! I'm in love! Yeah...

 

HUMAN EYE (see PROLIFERATION OF MATTER)

 

FUN GUY WITH FUNGI

Well I'm the fun guy! With fungi (2x)

I like to go out and have some fun
If you're looking for the fun guy then I"m the one
Everybody's coming from miles around
to hang out with the guy who wears the fungi crown

C'mon everybody it's fun guy time
and you'll be glad to know that the fungi's fine
So come on over if you dare
You'll see that the fungi is everywhere

Don't be sad but I'm sorry to say
The fun guy's time has come for going away
But don't you worry don't you have no concerns
It won't be long before the fungi returns!

 

I SHOULDN'T'VE BOUGHT THIS MAGAZINE (writ: John Fail)

I shouldn't've bought this magazine
It's called "discoveries" it's for record and CD collectors
I bought the Oct. 1995 issue with a front page cover story on R.E.M.
I thought they'd mention bootlegs.
It was a really lousy article and the rest of the magazine was basically ads
I paid $2.50 for it.
Now it just sits on my shelf, I oughta throw it out, but then I'd feel guilty
I BOUGHT IT AT BORDERS!

 

THE DATE

Hey John I had a date the other night.
(Oh, yeah? Tell me about it Paul")

Well, I was just sitting there with my date.
"Oh it's such a beautiful night. The stars are bright and the moon is full. You're very beautiful. I feel that there's magic in the air. I'm sure you feel it too. By the way, I'm missing a chromosome, so if we ever want to have children, we'll have to see a geneticist".

"So, are you free on Thursday?"

("So Paul, was she free on Thursday?")
No, she had to wash her hair.

 

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT WOMAN (see MY LAST TAPE)

 

DREADED GLAUCOMA TEST (see NOW I BLOW MY A-B-C's)

 

BEES ARE IN YOUR POP

Bees are in your pop (4x)

Bees can sting, you watch out!

 

SMALL CASH PRIZE (see BEST SLED EVER)

 

I DROPPED MY ALMOND JOY BAR

I was hungry, I couldn't wait to get home
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar
Now it's lying somewhere in the rain all alone
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar

I have many regrets, and now I have one more
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar in the parking lot
behind the store

I dropped my Almond Joy Bar (2x)

Maybe I"ll find it but I doubt it
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar
I can't stop thinking about it
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar

I learned a lesson today
good things come to those who wait
I dropped my Almond Joy Bar
and now it's too late

Almond Joy's got nuts! Mounds don't!
I was gonna have my Almond Joy Bar!
But now I guess I won't!

I will stop thinking about this now!
I will stop thinking about this now!

 

SUCKING CHEST WOUND (see SUCKING CHEST WOUND 7")

 

I FAILED MY PERMIT TEST (writ: John Fail)

I failed my permit test, I dwell in the past
I am soap, I am scum
I am soap scum. I am dumb!

 

WHO LOVES THE SUN (writ: The Velvet Underground)

Who loves the sun? Who cares that it makes plants grow? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart?
Who loves the wind? Who cares that it makes breezes? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart?

Ba-ba-ba-ba Who loves the sun?
Ba-ba-ba-ba Not everyone (2x)

Who loves the rain? Who cares that it makes showers? Who cares that it makes flowers since you broke my heart?
Who loves the sun? Who cares that it makes shining? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart?

 

COLD DRINKS (see BEST SLED EVER)

 

LISTENING TO YOUR HEART (see MY LAST TAPE)

 

I MUST ASK MYSELF (see MISC section)

 

I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS (writ: John Fail)

(these lyrics are not definitive - the original transcription has been lost)

I trip over, get nervous, shake and sputter
why does it have to be, I mumble and stutter

I can't talk to girls very well at all!!

I can't relax, so spazzing out
They all think I'm a pain, can't understand me

My friends say Oh you're a geek
they don't know what it's like to be a freak!

 

BENDY-NECK (see PROLIFERATION OF MATTER)

 

DAGNABBIT

Dagnabbit is the very worst word I say (2x)

When I get mad, you probably wouldn't know it
Most people say that I hardily even show it
I don't slam doors and I don't break plates
and I don't slam drawers and I don't break dates

I'm a real nice guy, the kind your mom would love
I wouldn't ever hit you or even give you a shove
and I might say "heck" when things get bad
and I might say "shoot" but when I really get mad

When things get rough, I never lose my cool
and "fight" is the only word I ever say after "bull"
(bullfight!!)
and I might say "fudge" if I drop my gum
and I might say "darn" if something's really dumb

No lie! Cross my heart! Scout's honor!

 

950-PAIN

950-pain, 950-pain
and I really shouldn't call it again, but I always do

Don't try to tell me I'm masochistic
I'm just a little bit fatalistic
My favorite kind of movies are the ones where everyone's doomed
Oh by golly, by golly by gosh
Why did I read that book by Sacher-masoch
My mental health's in danger and that is safe to assume
Why does the stuff I like always hurt me?
I wish that somebody would alert me
so that I would know what was in store
She always leaves my mind all tangled
I don't wanna get mangled!
But even so, I keep coming back for more
to be sure, her number is

Is this what it's like to be in love?
A little smile and a great big shove
It hurts inside to pretend everything is fine
But every single time I call
I feel like I don't matter much at all
I tell her she's a loser but she wins every single time

 

POPCORN BALL FROM HEAVEN (writ: John Fail)

Okay this is about a popcorn ball that fell from heaven.
I was standing at school yesterday
There was this popcorn ball, still in the wrapper, it hit me in the shoulder.
And I couldn't tell where it came from so I figured it came from heaven, cuz there was no one around.
So I started eating it and some people started screaming, "Hey! You're eating my popcorn ball!"
But they were like, 200 feet away, so I ran all the way over to them, and they were like screaming at me, so I gave them the popcorn ball, didn't actually bite it, I just kinda picked at it.

 

I'M STRAIGHT (writ: Jonathan RIchman

I called this number 3 times already today
But I got scared, I put it back in place, I put the phone back in place
I still don't know if I should have called up
tell me why don't ya, if I'm out of place
Cuz here's your chance to make me feel awkward and wish that I had never even called up this place
I saw you though today walk by with Hippie Johnny, I had to call up and say how I want to take his place
So this phone call today concerns Hippie Johnny
He's always stoned, he's never straight
I saw you though today walk by with hippie Johnny
Look I had to call up and say how I want to take his place
Cuz he's stoned, Hippie Johnny is, but get this I'm straight, and I want to take his place
I like him too, I like Hippie Johnny
But I"m straight and I want to take his place

I'm straight! (3x), I"m straight and I want to take his place

I watch you walk around here, I watch you meet new boyfriends and you tell me how they are deep
but if these guys if they're really so great
why can't they just take this place and take it straight
why always stoned? Like Hippie Johnny is?
Get this, I'm straight, and I want to take his place
I'm certainly not stoned, like Hippie Johnny
I'm straight and I want to take his place

 

MONOPOLY GOD (writ: John Fail)

I wanna be the car, cuz the car always wins
you'll be hurting so bad when you pay me my rent
I can get out of jail, I can do it for free
When I build my hotel, you will FEAR ME!

Monopoly God! (2x)

I just rolled a nine and blew past your property
the community chest says you owe me 50
pay your luxury tax, under free parking
land on my houses, bow down, call me king!

"GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS
DO NOT CRY
DO NOT WHINE
JUST BE STILL, BE CALM AND ACCEPT YOUR INEVITABLE DESTRUCTION!"

I own all 4 railroads and utilities
I have you on your knees, have you begging for mercy!
don't ask me why you lose, it's rather simple
I'm unstoppable and you are the thimble!

"Now I know what it feels like to be a God"

 

THE THING WITH TWO HEAD (see BEST SLED EVER)


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