HUMAN EYE

You and I, you and I
I'm gonna buy you a human eye
Human eye, human eye
I'm gonna buy it for you and I

When we met I thought we were a match
But I wondered why you wore that eye patch
(You weren't a pirate!!)
I didn't mean to make you cry
How was I to know that you had no eye?!?!

Oh my dear, what a tragedy
you cannot watch a film that's in 3-D
But as soon as we can find a suitable donor
Of a lovely eye, you'll be the owner!

Some people say you could make do with a glass eye...BUT I LOVE YA BAYBEE AND I WANT YA TO HAVE A REAL EYE!!!!!!

I don't care how much it costs
I'll replace the eye that you lost
got my checkbook in my pocket
I'm gonna fill your empty socket

 

ESCAPE THE SNEAKY PIEMAN

The peculiar purple pieman of porcupine peak
wiggles his mustache when he speaks
he's got your name on his lips
You better watch out, when he spits!

Escape the sneaky pieman! HAHAHAHAHA (4x)

He wants to win the big apple city bake-off
and if he has to cheat - he will!
He's got a bunch of crows and a gal named Sour Grapes
and he doesn't care if it matches his drapes

Pieman----AHHHHHHH
He's so sneaky------AHHHHHH
He's so SNEAKY!!!!!

 

WATERMELON

Hey guys it's time to eat our watermelon now!

 

DEATH CARRIES A CANE

There's a killer who uses a crutch
I hear he doesn't like dancers too much
Her throat was cut, be glad you didn't see her
You better hide, cuz you're a ballerina!

So don't get caught alone in the dark
So you know don't go near the park
I hope that you don't see his face
If you do you'll wear blood and black lace!!

DEATH! Carries a cane (4x)

Seven Orchids with a red stain
consequences of a cat in the brain
don't torture ducklings in lizard's skins
when the body count is over, the autopsy begins!

This killer's living in a blood shack
He smells the perfume of a lady in black
He's faceless, merciless, you're armless and legless
You'll be no moreso than a torso when he cuts off your head!

 

I WISH I WAS A FISH (written by Gloria Hayes)

I wish, I wish, I wish I could be a fish
I'd swim all day long and all night too
I'd play all the time and never feel blue

I wish, oh I wish, I could be any kind of fish!
My aquarium would be a beautiful scene
I'd look out at people who'd look in at me
and someone would always take good care of me
If I were a fish! How I'd swish, oh I wish

a fish.

 

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

There's no need to play this violin
but I will keep on playing til the end
Oh it's such a tangled web we weave
This world is just a place I want to leave

I know, I know, I know too much

I know too much too much too much for my own good
I know too much so much more than I should
I can't forget no matter how I try
Do you want to see a grown boy cry?

I won't look at what I don't want to see
But I"ve got a super-human memory
it's easy now I've lost all track of time
It's easy now I've lost most of my mind

 

ROBIN HOOD

I am Robin Hood, strong and brave
Here is my squire and here is my knave
Forsooth my band of merry men
some are happy and some are gay

Take from the rich - and give to the poor
Yonder fields of Nottingham
See the beasts graze in the grasses
old man, you must be...

Blind people are easy to rob
I carry their bag and give them a hand
helping them through narrow streets of cobble
I push them afore an ox cart

Take from the rich - and give to the poor
take from the wealthy - and give to the underprivileged
The goths come and loot and pillage and rape
and the vandals graffiti the...

walls of the castle are high and steep
where for art the walls of the keep?
Many a man had died for the hand
of above the young maiden that's there
for the love of a maiden so fair

 

MISS SUNNY HEAD

Miss Sunny head, Miss Sunny head
You've got some lovely gloves on
Miss Sunny head, Miss Sunny head
I never feel your love's gone

You like to lick the masking tape
and eat some fuzz right off a plate
you think that oranges are
the fruit of all evil

You know not if I"m friend or foe
you're scared of your own shadow
you like to stare at little birds
and pretend they're in you death grip

 

CHEESEGRATER FACE

I didn't know bout your cheesegrater face
will you please grate this cheese?

I gotta laugh at your big crater face
will you please grate this cheese?

Turn around before I gag
maybe you should wear a bag
good lord! UG-LY!

Your face could stop a clock
Looks sorta like a moon rock
-- You still love me, don't you?

 

I'M GONNA BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY

I'm gonna break every bone in your body
I'm gonna kick your ass all over town (2x)

I don't wanna see this happening to me -
NO NO NO!

I"m gonna break every bone in your body
I'm gonna make ya bleed
I'm gonna break every bone in your body
Your face my fist will feed
I'm gonna break every bone in your body
better get on your knees and pray
I"m gonna break every bone in your body
every single vertebrae

I'm gonna break every bone in your body
I just may be breaking your arm
I'm gonna break every bone in your body
I'm gonna cause you bodily harm
I'm gonna break every bone in your body
Your eyes will be swollen shut
I'm gonna break every bone in your body
I'm gonna crack your head like a nut

I'm probably going to kick you
I even may kick you some more
I may kick you so much
That they'll have to pick you up off the floor

 

BENDY-NECK

Bendy-neck, I love your bendy neck
I love your brandywine, I love your bendy-neck
Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck
I love your funny bone, I love your bendy-neck

I love your bendy-neck, I really love it (2x)

Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck
I love your easy-off, I love your bendy-neck
bendy-neck, I love your bendy neck
I love your anti-freeze, I love your bendy-neck

bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck
I love your cup-a-soup, I love your bendy-neck
Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck
I love your Van-o-lunch, I love your bendy-neck

 

THE WEEK I BRUSH MY TEETH

5 Cereal Boxes and not much left
2 spoons per box was all that was left
So I chomped up it
I got an uncontrollable urge to spit

It's the week I brush my teeth (2x)

Know I never use toothpaste
To me yeah is disgrace
I would use the general approach
water feels cool down your throat

A whole week now, it's 7 days baybee
A WHOLE WEEK!

 

LONG DISTANCE DISCONNECTION

I've got a 900# written on my back
I've got a monkey on my back
I've got a monkey, he does a lot of tricks
I gotta call the number, I need my fix

Why don't you call me anymore? (2x)
If you don't I won't be surprised
If you do, I"ll realize...why I don't call you

I've got a toll # written on my back
I've got a toll bridge running down my back
I've got a toll to pay when I scratch my back
I've gotta scratch my back...and try to get this monkey off

Why don't you call me anymore? (2x)
If you don't I won't be surprised
If you do, I'll realize...I don't know what I want

I got your number written on my back
I've got your monkey on my back
I got your number, everyone got your number
I can't use it, it's on my back

Why don't you call me anymore? (2x)
If you don't I won't be surprised
If you do, I'll realize...I wish you'd leave me alone

 

BLACKOUT (QUEEN VERSION)

I know a little...

 

I HAVE NO DICK

i have no dick (4x)

I lost my dick in a war, I lost my dick in a war

 

I HATE THE BLOODY QUEEN (as written by some SCTV cast member)

I've always had a dream, I'd like to meet the queen
I'd punch her in the face yeah that would make me laugh
I'd love to kick her in the teeth and then I"d make a picture of it in lovely ekta-chrome and then I'd give it to the prince

I hate the bloody queen, she made me go to school
I hate the bloody queen and all her bloody rules

I'd like to drown the queen off the coast of Argentine
throw her off a battleship with her Falkland war machine
She taxes me to death, I can't afford me dope
I'd like to get her high, yeah that would make me laugh

I feel sorry for you Lady Di, havin' a mother-in-law like that!

 

RALPHIE ATE THE SANDWICH

Ralphie ate the sandwich - it was fish
Ralphie ate the sandwich - licked it right off the dish
Ralphie ate the sandwich and when he walked in the room
He'd eat another sandwich, and then he'd fly to the moon
Ralphie ate the sandwich now he's chewing his back
Ralphie ate the sandwich, I won't put on the Happy Jack!
Ralphie ate the sandwich he had dinner with the Czar
Ralphie ate the sandwich he wished he had a cigar

I ate the sandwich, that I won't deny
I ate the sandwich, how come you made no pie?

Ralphie ate the sandwich & they blamed the cat
Ralphie ate the sandwich & Ralph was the rat
Ralphie ate the sandwich & hearing aid on the side
Ralphie ate the sandwich, now he's grinning wide

 

MADE IN TAIWAN

Why are so many things made in Taiwan? (4x)

Made in Taiwan - it's made in a country that's not the US of A
Made in Taiwan - it's made in a factory, they do it for so little pay
Made in Taiwan (3x)

Made in Taiwan - it breaks so easy, 'specially if you are rough
Made in Taiwan - it's made out of plastique, it's not very durable stuff

Refridgerator magnets, picture frames
plastic toys and keychains
soap holders, ceramic cats
mini-notebooks and baseball caps!

Why?

 

IT IS A VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW TO ASSAULT A POSTAL EMPLOYEE DURING WORKING HOURS

The US Postal Service is really a mess
It ain't much better than the pony express
Well I don't really care bout 29
If you got a dog you better put up a fence
I hope you don't mind if I cut through your yard
You can't stop me, I'll still read your postcard
You know I cheated on my civil service test
But it don't really matter, cuz I really tried my best

We can insult you, but you can't assault us
cuz it's a federal offense, and that's our defense

Back at the office it really ain't much better
You stand in line an hour just to mail a stinkin' letter
You mark something fragile, they sit it aside
They hit it with a hammer til they break what's inside
The clerks are really crabby, the guard is really mean
Especially if you ask him how to use the stamp machine
I'm glad I'm not stuck there, I"m glad I'm on the road
Even though I can't remember my own zip code

I'm on the job through rain or snow or hail
but I don't give a damn about your outgoing mail
You say there's $20 missing from your letter
I"m sorry to hear that, do you like my new sweater?

 

I GOT FIRED FROM SILO

Hello, my name is Jack Mead
and I just lost a job that I didn't need
well I had my friend call off sick for me
Cuz I did not feel like going in to sell a TV

As I said, Jack Mead is my name
and I had to miss work cuz I was watching a 9er's game
It's not a great job, but it's better than raking rocks
But I couldn't leave the TV or I'd have to miss the super-jocks

I got fired from Silo, it was a stupid job anyway
I couldn't make it cuz I had to see the 9er's play
I was 2 hours late

Jack Mead is my name, as I said
and I couldn't get to work cuz I watched the 9er's game instead
I was rootin' rootin' rootin' for the team
and as I sat there drinking beer it sure didn't seem
That I would get fired from Silo, it was a stupid job anyway
I lost a job cuz I had to see the 9er's play
I was 2 hours late

 

WHAT CAN I SAY?

What can I say? What can I do?
I'm self propelled by ESP and Fu Manchu
Here's looking at you in a coconut groove
Palm trees & pear trees & elm trees & fir trees
all sitting on the moon

What can I say? What can I do?
I ponder the meaning of existence
and read some Camus
There's nothing to do
when you're locked in the Louvre
Lizards & snakeskins & creamcakes & butterflies
all in a coccoon

 

NIGHT SHIFT

This is Chuck reminding Bill to shut up!

 

A CLOCKWORK BANANA

What does a banana have that I don't?
What can a banana do that I won't?
Are you glad to see me or is that a banana?

After all it's just a piece of fruit, tropical fruit
Baybee for me it's no substitute!
I've got a hunch you've a banana in your lunch

How can you pick that banana over me?
It's not got half my personality!

 

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE

The Earth has seen invasion on that fateful occasion of the meteorite shower
We don't want to be enslaved, the people must be saved, and I have got the power
I'm not better off dead, I've got some metal in my head and I'll be going soon
I'll be going to greet I'll be going to meet
the master of the moon!

Oh-oh-o-o-o-oh They came from beyond space!
and I don't want to have to go and meet some aliens that I don't know

and I don't want to have to go, even if I get to meet Michael Gough

"My name is Arnold Gray"

 

VENUS IN FURS (from the film of the same name)

Venus in furs will be smiling
when that moment arrives (2x)

For those who showed no mercy then, no mercy will be shown
for those who got their pleasure from the strangled cries and groans
The grins that filled their easen faces will be wiped for sure
Sometime someone somewhere will come knocking, knocking at your door

Running hiding ain't no use for putting up a fight
A price they'll have to pay one day that price will be to die
They'll find that there's no one to protect them anymore
Sometime someone somewhere will come knocking at your door!

 

HOTDOG WITH THE HAMBURGER HEAD

I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head (3x)
This head is thine, this head isn't mine

I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head
I've been playing leapfrog with the limburger spread
I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head
Head's gonna roll if there's no bladder control

This head likes it's food - this head has a name
This head likes to play the rabbit game

 

SOMETIMES I TELL ON HIM

My brother is really bad. Like when no one is home he'll like take all the apples and he'll hide them in different places so then when someone wants an apple they have to look for it. Okay? And when Mom needs change, he says, "Let me get it". So he goes to the change machine, and you know on the change machine how it has that picture of how you put the dollar in with George Washington's face up? Well my brother puts the dollar in upside down every time. and he does it on purpose! Oh! and whenever any of my friends come over, my brother tells them that my dad gets Sports Illustrated - y'know, football, hockey, basketball, all that kinda stuff. And also when he goes to the bathroom,when he comes out he always says, "I touched my penis". And when we ride the bus he writes profanities on the backs of the seats, but he spells them wrong so that no one knows what it says. and last night he set the drapes on fire. My brother - my brother is really bad.

Sometimes I tell on him.


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